confusedramblings

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according to the manufacturer, my safety boots will protect my feet from voltages of up to 16,000 volts. that's a claim just asking to be tested...

I passed max 300. I'm sure you're all relieved that I'll stop moaning about it now.

And my brother's friends sent me the video of Bj and I playing "So Deep". [4MB Quicktime]

Music: badly drawn boy - how <3

( frustration )

Last night my brother's friends took pictures of me and videotaped me playing DDR, but they didn't know it was me. So when they got home my brother got an MSN message saying "we saw this guy who was soooo good at ddr, and he looked exactly like your brother". Funny stuff.

according to my computer clock (and my watch) it's today. according to my server's clock it's tomorrow. who knows.

i will write more about my work soon hopefully, i don't have time right now. i'd write from work on my lunch hour, but they monitor all our internet stuff, so i don't ever want to visit this site from there lest they find out all the nasty stuff i say about them. meh, it's not so bad. paranoid? maybe. but i'd just as soon play it safe.

i'm very frustrated, tomorrow (today?) i shall explain my frustration. i'm obsessed. i'm OUT OF CONTROL :D

<333 phil

Music: silence

i miss you.

you don't understand that at all.

i have the most melancholy existance imagineable. there are so many days i just wish things would get better OR worse, just so they'd be something, so i'd feel something definite.

Mood: a bit frustrated
Music: way out west - UB devoid (junkie XL mix)

note to self: when reformatting your harddrive and deciding what to back up, look in the folder that has your website in it and back up the working development copies instead of just thinking "well, it's all online as well". I don't know how much I lost cause I haven't worked on it in a while, but luckily some of the stuff I was working on WAS online. I'm trying to get back into programming, and picking up where I left off will be a real pain.

Mood: contentedly tired
Music: lots and lots of rilo kiley

i think i'm finally smart enough to stay out of stuff. i did it last time, and i can do it again. i just wish i could express my concern. oh well. i know that wouldn't go over well, wouldn't do any good, would only hurt me more.

i went to the arcade and played DDR today. some guy came up behind me when i was playing So Deep (and doing quite well), said "my turn!" and pushed me off the pad. how lame is that? of course i failed. ughhh. oh well, I made it farther than i ever have in Max 300 at the arcade... exactly as far as i'd gotten at home in this post. I'll pass it soon. I promise you all :-D

then as i was leaving the mall there were these girls sitting on a bench (I dunno what they were doing there, it was like 1AM), and one of them was like "Hey, it's the guy in the red shirt! What's your name, guy in the red shirt?" So I said "Uh, Philip" and she said "Philip, huh? that's nice. keep walking." hahah it was pretty strange.

i love all my friends. even in their imperfection, they're my friends for a reason, and they accept my imperfections and that's good enough for me. there's some days when they're the only reason i even try to overcome anything, the only reason i can keep a smile on my face during the day, and the reason i'm smiling when i go to bed. <3

Mood: crushed/hopeless/hurt/abandoned/alone/betrayed

i don't know what to do.

i'm scared that i might do something anyway.

Music: smashing pumpkins - let me give the world to you

ughhhh. I passed Max 300 :-D Now I can go die somewhere. sooo tired.

sometimes i regret that i threw this out in the public domain. i used to post to a website that maybe 2 or 3 people knew about, and now i don't even know who all reads this. oh well, i guess it's rare that there's something that i don't think i can write here. and there's always my private, offline journal when the need arises.

work is soooooooooooooooo boring. today i looked at engineering diagrams for 8 hours. and i mean looked. i didn't understand much of it at all, but people are all too busy to train me. still catching up on the stuff they didn't do last year. haha. i hope my security pass comes soon, i've been having to sign out a visitors pass every dayyy. lame.

i'm killing myself over something i'm not sure is happening. i always do that, and i just wish i could know whether it was my strength, or a weekness and rooted in jealousy. bah. life is confusing.

my parents are... umm, reading the phone book.

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